Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
tourist season
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”