Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.