Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Did…did a minotaur write this
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen