Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.