judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
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My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too