JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!