Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Shoo shoo! 😂
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.