JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Vodka burrito was a success
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
This is not me but this is me
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.