judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
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*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“Everybody freeze!”
-November