JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
That time Alicia messaged me
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Stop sending me this shit.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare