JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬