Judge: I sentence you to life in prison

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Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers


me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!


[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*


Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.


The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken


Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out


My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.


Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.