Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I like long walks away from everyone
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.