JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”