JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma