judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
You Might Also Like
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
love it when they get my name right
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Gods work.
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.