Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.