Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
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An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.