*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
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Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please