Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.