JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know