JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*