Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what