@Book_Krazy

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

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@MommaUnfiltered

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

@BellPupper

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

@Mr_DrEsquire

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

@CAshmanActor

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

@KalvinMacleod

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

@Carbosly

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.