Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.


ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?


To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news


[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one


LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan


Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.


me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog


The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.