JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Google assistant rules
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.