@Gre_Gone

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

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@ToriTheMom

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

@ThugRaccoons

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

@PuddingBoobs

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

@BuckyIsotope

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

@AbbyHasIssues

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

@Cheeseboy22

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

@meantomyself

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone