Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

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Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.


Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?


Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men


*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back


Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it


I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.


My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”


I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone