JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew