Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Oh hi lol
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?