Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.