judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
What kind of a cult is this?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)