JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
This could’ve been an email.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters