JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
You Might Also Like
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊