Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.