Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[walking into a gym]
me: iām looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: ā¦and theyāre allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean āscreen time?ā
Me: No.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
As a belated Valentineās Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, āWhy donāt you just let me live my life?!ā
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimerās and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimerās. itās just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
accurate
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
If u see me talking to myself donāt say nun to me Iām having a staff meeting
Even if youāre fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I havenāt worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me āwhat are you looking for detectiveā šš
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.