judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
You Might Also Like
scares
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah