Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.