Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.


So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe


Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.


Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”


People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’


Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?


me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see


[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2


I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.