Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
You Might Also Like
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story