@LMemeit You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
@TheBoydP Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
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@LMemeit 
@dubiousgenius So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
@SondraDeeMe Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
@stephenjmolloy Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
@LuvPug People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
@UncleDuke1969 “I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
@UncleDuke1969 Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
@DanMentos me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
@Brampersandon_ [leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
@impaulmccoy I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.