Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Stop it! 😂
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
figuring out my emotional availability:
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.