judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
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A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Turns out pizza has everything I鈥檓 looking for in a woman
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Me: I get scared. I can鈥檛 explain it. It鈥檚 a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They鈥檙e just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
馃槀
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
馃が賮賯胤 賮賷 賲氐乇 馃が
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
馃槈馃槤
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…馃槀馃惍馃悜
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Can Happiness buy money?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I鈥檓 allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
i don鈥檛 feel like cooking, but i鈥檓 too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Beauty and the Beast
War & Peace
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.