JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
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“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Dance like you’re not the father
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage