Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet