@ChicksRule

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

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@PickleRudd

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

@imdaintyaf

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

@thepaulasuzanne

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

@prodnose

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

@NewDadNotes

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

@MasterOfFury

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

@JohnHilsen

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

@breatheandlove

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

@AmishSuperModel

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?