Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
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Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend