Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
would Medusa wear a hat
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