Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
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Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way