Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.