Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?