Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.


In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.


A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.


The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.


I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids


At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”


Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.


Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.