Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
iPhone X
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone