@JasonLastname

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

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@ConanOBrien

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

@Havish_AF

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

@1Happytwit

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

@Social_Mime

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

@ImSoFrancis

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

@burntmybagel

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

@Swain_Train47

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

@alexlumaga

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating