Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday