Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”


I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.


It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.


I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.


Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this


Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.


Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend


God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods


The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating