Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye