Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I came this close!!!!
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates