“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
what it’s like dating me:
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
jesus, what did this guy do
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.