Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.